Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
