i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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