they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
