remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
