Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
