I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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