I just saw a hot homeless man
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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