You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
