Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
