My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
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I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
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I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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