Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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