if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
