upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Swine flu is the new snow day.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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