my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
