Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
