Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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