you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
