Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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