Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
