I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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