Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident