mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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