mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
vagina is talking i cant
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
