Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
