Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
