Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
