12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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