dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
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I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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