dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
