she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
