Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
