Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
