Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
