Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
