Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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