my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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