i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
