Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
