My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Randomize
