My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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