your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
