I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
