your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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