if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
