Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
