obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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