I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Never underestimate the power of titties
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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