It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
