i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
