I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I deserve this hangover.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
