Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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