two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
