is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
