just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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