If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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