I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
