Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
