I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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